Read this while listening to Chopin’s Nocturne op. 9 no. 1 in B flat minor
Nature might be dying to live again in Spring but for the monsters of nature, us humans, things are different. We tend to restart in the fall, maybe because the weather becomes cooler, the light less and the alcohol tolerance lower after summer. No matter what the reason, there are beginnings that take place every Fall, mostly unsuccessful ones but honest attempts for a change nonetheless…here are the most obvious…
The resuming of the gym
Now, this year is different but the issue is still the same. Only now it’s easier to get away with not working out by using lines like: ‘I’m not sure they stick to the rules’, ‘I can’t buy a full-year package, who knows what happens next month with the virus’, ‘My favourite instructor was made redundant so I’m never working out again to make a point’, ‘I forgot how to work out, which leg is the left one, I don’t know’…you get the point. Tip: You can always work out at home, walk around town, go swimming, skiing, hiking, climbing, have more sex, clean the bathrooms with extra enthusiasm. Anything so I don’t write an article in March celebrating your sofa’s courageous act of holding your ass for a whole year. Please.
The tidying of the clothes
I know right? Never. Summer clothes stay out till November cause you never know or you do but you’re in denial, the shoes are all over the place, you thank humanity for not having different underwear for every season, although if you think about that bra you cannot put up with in July and the pants you always think you can wear but you end up tossing on the floor five minutes after you put them on cause they feel too thick. Oh well, lots of issues there but let’s not forget that on top of everything you also have to find space for coats now and you know that’s impossible before winter when you had enough of the chaos and you finally decide to tidy your stupid clothes but I’ll come back to that in a couple of months.
The eye cream
Probably the most ignored type of cream by mid October, and overall the most snubbed little jar, even more snubbed than Hitchcock at the Oscars. After a million sun rays directly hitting your face and you not giving a fig cause you look sexier with a tan and you save on concealer which we all know costs a lung and a kidney, you move all hopes and recovery plans to September when you bulk up on masks, creams and serums only to abandon it all at the back of your bathroom cabinet by week 4. Eye creams around the world have created a portal where they sneak at night and they have group therapy, sitting on little eye cream chairs, sipping coffee (with extra cream, of course).
The rest of the stuff
I tried hard not to put the diet back up here for my fourth and last stand. I’ve almost succeeded. Diet is for sure one of the illusions we have for the fall mostly as a consolation thought during summer when you sip all the cocktails which is stupid cause cocks don’t have tails and drinks should be clear like wine or vodka. That’s what I think. So start this fall with some wine and shut the fuck up. Also, thinking of cycling because it’s cooler and you can enjoy it more? Who are you kidding? Or your doctors’ appointments that you put off in June cause you were too bored. See these things don’t deserve a section of their own cause they’re nothing, but together they make a pretty spectacular point of how pathetic they are. Kind of like the Kardashians.
Whatever you decide on starting this season, make sure you also choose some things to stop. Like giving space to toxic people, worrying about non-existent things, loving those who always hurt you, smoking, overeating. The list is endless, you know what it is that should go. Then maybe you’ll have enough room to keep to whatever new thing strikes your fancy.